Have you ever felt an anxiousness or darkness pressing in on your soul, but life was so busy you didn’t take the time to deal with it? You push through day after day until you are forced to look at it.
I have felt an anxiousness lately that is causing me to feel like darkness is pressing in on me. I don’t like feeling this way. Everything seems bigger, harder, and more anxiety provoking than usual.
This morning I finally took the time to sit down with the Lord to deal with it. It started as a whiney prayer. Why are things so hard? Why do I have to work so hard in certain areas and yield so little? After a few minutes of me whining and complaining, I felt God whisper to my heart “It’s May”. Within a few moments, the realization swept over me. Oh yeah, May. May is The Missing Month. May is our daughter Nicole’s birth month. Since Nicole went to Heaven in 1998, I miss her every day, but more in May. May is also Mother’s Day, missing not only Nicole but missing my own mom, who passed away on May 11th. May typically reminds me of what is missing in my life. After my heart mourned for what was missing, I am reminded of a verse I read earlier this year.
Matthew 6:22-23 The Message Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
This verse is specifically speaking about money, but I realized as a reread it, that as I focus on what I don’t have and what is missing in my life, I am living squinty-eyed.
The truth is that life is filled with hard things. Hard Missing Months, struggles at work, disappointments and fractured relationships.
But it is also true that there is beauty around us. We need to open our eyes to it. It is our choice where we allow our minds to focus. There are many blessings we miss when we pull the blinds of our minds closed in comparison and discontentment.
As I embrace this thought, I can open my eyes to the wonder around me. I can be thankful for the time I spent with Nicole. Instead of who is not here with me on Mother’s Day, I can be so grateful for who is with me. I can see the beautiful signs of spring. I can feel the warmth of the sun, that I’ve been waiting all winter to feel. I can hear the birds. I can feel God’s comfort and be grateful for His amazing provision.
Darkness is pushed back, and my life is filled with light. This is not a new thought for me, but I know I needed a reminder today.