It's almost spring, but it doesn't feel like it today. We are stuck between Winter and Spring, and it can make the heart feel dreary. Sometimes that is how life feels after sorrow takes root. Like we are stuck in the tension between loss and healing - we know that recovery is not linear, and the slide back down into the pit of grief feels risky. Because if we dare to hope and dream again, then tumble backward in pain, we feel like we may never recapture our footing. So, we remain in the tension. Afraid to dare to dream.
I have been like that - afraid to dream.
It may seem silly to some, but one of the dreams I buried long ago had to do with my love of horses. I didn't have horses as a little girl, but I always loved them. I collected Breyer Horses and plastered my wall with horse posters. My husband Larry bought my first horse a few years after we married. She was an untrained one-year-old filly. I had no idea what I was doing, but I loved that little horse. As it goes, most crazy horse people - like me - never have just one horse. We got more horses, and our daughters started riding. When that happened, I set aside my learning to ride and enjoyed my love of horses through our girls. Watching them grow into exceptional horsewomen was one of the greatest joys of my life.
When our oldest daughter Nicole lost her earthly life in an off-roading accident, being with the horses brought me comfort. But it also stirred up my deep sorrow because of what we had lost. After a while, I tried to recreate those memories by showing Nicole's horse myself. The thing was, I was trying to live her dream, not my own, and that left my heart empty. So, eventually, we set that part of our lives aside and went about the messy business of trying to heal, individually and as a family.
I never quit dreaming about horses, but I believed that chapter of my life was closed. I continued to bury my dream. I thought, in part, that my love of horses was just the piece of me that missed Nicole and that beautiful season of our lives.
However, I was reminded that my love of horses didn't begin when Nicole began riding. I remembered the horse-crazy little girl that I once was.
I began to allow myself to dream about the possibility of stepping back into that world. I decided I needed to weigh my motives carefully. I needed to make sure I wasn't just trying to re-live those days with Nicole. After prayerful consideration, we decided to start looking for a horse. Some dear friends, knowing Nicole and our story, searched long and hard for the perfect horse. And found one. Well, we all know there is no perfect horse, but this one was pretty close.
At first, I was apprehensive. All the questions flooded my mind. What if this doesn't work out? What if it hurts too much? What if I fail? But deep in my heart, I felt as if the Lord was giving me permission to dream and enjoy this part of my life again.
This is Missy, and I love her.
Will every day go smoothly with no bumps? No, we've already had some bumps, but I will tell you that this beautiful mare is teaching me so much. She is teaching me to face my fears and embrace the whole of the beautiful life God has given me. Part of that life carries the scars of heartbreak and pain. But so much of it has been amazing and beautiful.
Am I saying that every person should go out and buy a horse? Well....maybe. No, not really, but is there a dream that you've ignored because you are afraid of the risk? Maybe you buried that dream when you buried someone you deeply loved. Did you set aside an area of your life to raise your family, and it feels like it is too late to start it up again? God places passions and dreams in our hearts, not just for us, but so we can share light and beauty with the world around us. So, don't be afraid, dare to dream.
